34. How I Learned To Not Be Swayed In A Direction That Is Not Mine

And other notes on peacefully redirecting where I put my energy into.

This post is for myself more than anybody else. I’ve noticed myself waking up every morning, a little more trusting of myself than the morning before. A little bit more self aware and self investing. A little bit more firm in sticking up for the version of me that I want to show up as … for myself, and nobody else. A little of all of these things, and a lot more take it or leave it.

There’s a lot to be swayed by in today’s world. The internet trends. The unattainable beauty ideals. The expectations from family members who see you as rebellious because you do things a little differently. The overarching rules of society as a whole, unable to be ignored, projecting values that have been ingrained within us since we were children on the ways we should act, think, be … even breathe. And even though the world has changed a lot since we were kids, there are parts that still seem so stuck in the past. These things have a funny way of digging at the microcosms of our brains that we have rewired through time, growth, maturity and dedicated soul searching. And it’s quite scary to think after doing all the work, how easily we can verge dangerously close to reverting back into a version of ourselves that didn’t serve us. And it’s so true, because I do find myself in this cycle that comes and goes of having to retrain myself to face forward and not backwards; wrestling in a chokehold with my place in society where I’m caught in some messy middle ground of pursuing complete individualism and a path more traditional, maybe more expected of me. How many of you guys can relate?

Of course, the pendulum swings, from minor experiences like comments on what I could be doing more with or doing better with my free time (I’m in my era of “free time doesn’t always need to be traditionally productive”) to much more major ones like the questions surrounding the the choice of becoming a parent (a complex topic that I have only recently been able to be honest to myself about). I used to be much more combative in situations like this, where I felt I needed to prove my choices over and over again to family or other outside voices and in the process it drained me mentally. Like a concrete wall a thousand feet high in front of me that I had to climb. It took me some time to realize, and I am still realizing, how much I don’t want these feelings to take up my life and my mind space.

I think I just hit a place where I finally realized the value of my energy and where I place it. And that value could only come with the realization that it is okay to not agree with everyone and it is okay to not have everyone agree with you. To find power in my inability to be molded by others, so that I don’t need to argue when someone tells me to do something a different way. And the truth is that, I shouldn’t have to feel the pressure and stress that comes with feeling like I need to prove my way of thinking to someone to gain some sort of validation or feeling of worth back from them. No healthy form of validation actually comes this way. So by shifting my focus to preserving my energy to be invested in the things that bring me personal joy, is how I have slowly found my way to deal with the noise around me, instead of fighting back at it which just adds more to the ruckus already there.

I was just telling this to a friend “It's hard not to compare but we have to remind ourselves that we are all unique and nobody can compare to our unique selves.” Our choices and our ways of thinking have worth because they exist. And everyone has the right to exist as their true selves.

We cannot control who listens and we cannot control how others perceive us, but we can control our own self determination. We cannot please everyone, even the ones closest to us, but we can choose to give ourselves credit and applause for standing up peacefully yet firmly for ourselves. And truly believing it.

Today, I choose to surrender as much of my being as I can into the softness that comes with knowing the value and the worth of my uniqueness and the essence of my being which is nobody else’s but my own. I refuse to constrict myself to timelines. I refuse to be called lazy because I say no. I refuse to be called too old when I say I still have the rest of my life to travel and see the world on my own terms. I refused to be called useless because I’m not bearing children. I refuse to feel ugly or inadequate when I’m pushed into a place of comparison to another. I refuse to be a mirror for projection. I refuse to allow my own narrative to be molded into something easier and better for THEM to digest and understand. I refuse to make others feel more comfortable if it sacrifices my own self acceptance. I will say it again … I strongly yet peacefully refuse.

And with that, I decide to begin my day a little bit more rooted into my own.

Like a palm tree, which in actuality does bend and sometimes too much in a direction not meant for it, but I will nurture a sway that is in the direction of my own breeze; one that I create and give energy to. The rest, well, they can take it or leave it. The next time I feel myself falling away from my core, I’ll take a breathe, calm myself and I’ll remember what is most deserving of my time, attention and focus.

These are the things that I DO want to shift more of my energy to, as we move into Libra season (my season!!!):

Strengthening my friendships. I want to continue to invest in my community; one of openminded, strong, and unique women capable of listening without judgement, and who are constantly learning and growing from each other, and raising each other up in the process, no matter what stage in life we may be in.

Getting my recent framed art purchased up on the walls. I have a few that I’ve set aside as I’m still trying to figure out their proper place in my home. But it’s been bringing me lots of joy being patient for the moment a spot on the wall feels like the one. Maybe above the new bedroom table. Maybe in the kitchen. Maybe swapped with one already up in my main gallery wall. There’s a slow beauty to this curation, and I’m trying not to rush the process.

Going to more museums. Both on my own and with loved ones and friends. The museum has become my place of calm. A reliant place where I can bounce between different centuries on a whim. I find myself so content when I can observe and learn quietly for hours, and time sort of slips away there.

Cooking more outside of my comfort zone. Travel, work and my social life have given me less time for cooking lately, but I’m ready to get back in the kitchen and give my attention and focus to a recipe that is more outside of my comfort zone. Or maybe get creative and add my own twist to a classic dish from a cuisine that I normally don’t cook at home, like French for example. I won’t be striving to make the most perfect dish, but instead trusting in the process and the fact that I gave it a shot and having fun along the way.

Minimizing my wardrobe. White noise and too many options can feel stifling, and so can too many clothing options. It gets my dizzy! I don’t like to give too much time with outfits contemplations based on how I think others will perceive me as. I want to gravitate towards the same pieces that hold longevity with them and have the ability to be reinterpreted with a quick styling trick. Most of all, I just want to feel comfortable and like myself. Less is more. And making more with less feels so much more appealing and natural.

Being more free with my writing. This is the reason why I decided to get onto Substack. To get back into a passion of mine that came before fashion. This past month has come along with some new life changes and shifts, but all out of positivity and love and care. I’ll be sharing more here eventually, but I’m so grateful to have an outlet that allows me to organize my thoughts for myself, and for those of you who want to read and connect.

Building Things. I’ve been finding more and more comfort in being handy. There’s something so rewarding about using my own two hands alongside my thinking skills to build things on my own. Like completing a puzzle. I used a drill myself for the first time the other week to finally get shelves up on my kitchen wall. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while now, and committed a day to head to Ikea and get everything I needed. I thought I was going to mess up with the drill or be off with my measurements, but I found myself being patient and I quite liked the feeling of being in school again, out with my pencil and measuring tape and double checking a few times over to make sure I’m accurate. The end result was surprisingly near perfect. Never underestimate yourself when you take the time to put the effort in!

Get back to playing music. I took piano lessons when I was a kid and throughout high school. I always enjoyed it, even though there were many things that were tough for me to learn, but it was a skillset that I lost once I moved east coast and started working. I briefly learned how to play some basic songs on electric bass a few years back, and that also eventually got put on the back burner. The other day, I noticed all the guitars lying around the house, and even my electronic piano looking sadly hidden above a dresser. And I thought, maybe I could dedicate more time to relearning the basics and see where it goes. Even if I don’t progress beyond just that, it’s okay.

What are you saving your energy for today? xx