6. The Start of Fall Thoughts

Turning 37, societal pressure, and taking control of what I always felt was predetermined for me.

We are already at the beginning of fall, and it’s not much of a surprise seeing that my summer writing goal did in fact go straight out the window just like that. But this past month, I’ve been doing a lot of the offline work for myself, and that has made up for being behind in other departments. The end of summer, and this one in particularly, comes with a whole lot of bittersweet feelings. I’ve always believed summer is meant to be the break we all mentally and physically deserve to give ourselves. To set time aside to embrace change where needed, to free oneself from the pressures of day-to-day reality that keeps us from being our true and authentic selves, to escape transactional relationships that don’t serve us and to just give oneself the time to just simply be, without the requirement of actively doing or pursuing. I have been in the position where the grind can get so tiresome, and I completely forget my role in my own life.

Many of us were lucky enough to take a weeklong vacation in Europe or somewhere else impressive, but I truly believe that the best form of vacation can also happen right in your own backyard, with days filled with simple simplicities, hours to talk about what’s on your mind at its core with those closest to you, and to relish in more moments of self-realization that rely only on yourself … to ask yourself the questions you didn’t really get the moment to ask yourself seasons before. And well, this summer mentality is something I want to carry with me every single day for the rest of my life.

I turned 37 last month. Not going to lie, I still feel 21 lol. In this youth-obsessed world, I’m not sure if I’m shocked or not at the fact that I’m really proud and excited about be the age that I am, and just the aging process in general. Yes, it feels good when people try to guess my age and think I’m younger than I am. Yes, I’ll go for a yearly micro needling or light peel to keep my skin looking fresh. Yes, maybe I’ll skip the extra glass of wine because I don’t want to look puffy, tired and dare I say it … aged, the next morning. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m 37 and it actually makes no difference whether I’m 47 or 27. My worth still stands the entire way through. And I’m proud to be able to feel this way. And we should be able to say how proud we are of ourselves, even if we don’t fit into the traditional mold of what a woman should be doing at whatever age we are, and particularly at my age (cough, cough … the age when I should apparently be starting a family). In fact we should be proud of the very fact that we are able to choose how we decide to live our lives in the ways that makes us happiest. I’m proud of the love and trust I have built in my relationship with my husband. I’m proud of my career and how I work to approach it with balance. I’m proud of my home that inspires me to create and embrace relaxation more. I’m proud of my friend group and the way we lift each other up. I’m proud to still keep a hold of my childish curiosity and excitement about the fact we don’t ever have to stop exploring what life has to offer us in this world. I’m proud of myself every time I learn something new and unlock a perspective that I didn’t have before. I’m proud that I keep my mental health in check so that I can call out the red flags and allow myself to get to a healthy place again. I’m proud that I still see room to expand and improve myself; most importantly … for myself.

There are many things I’m proud of, but that doesn’t mean I’m 100% unaffected by what society pressures me to be. There have been many days where I have felt that being a woman, 37, married, and who works for herself and has achieved success is not actually enough simply because of the fact that she does not have children, is not sure if she is ready to ever have children, or who has decided that she does not want to have children. There are days I’m empowered and in control of my feelings, and then there are days that I feel that I’m not normal and behind, and then there are days in-between.

The conversation surrounding motherhood has been a complex one for me always. I am very happy that I live a very full and interesting life right now. I love the freedom that I have. When it comes to motherhood, I’m currently not ready (even though apparently I should have been ready years ago and there even was a time that I thought I could have been ready), currently on the fence due to personal reasons, but also very open to things changing in the near future or not so near future. But for me, I can only focus on the right now. And right now, I feel much more open-minded about the subject, even if it makes others feel uncomfortable. This past year has definitely been the hardest for me to navigate these pressures that come from all around me, especially since it has been the first time in my life that I have said out loud to people close to me that I am completely on the fence about motherhood as a direction for me. It’s been both liberating, but it’s also been scary.

I am currently in the midst of the process of taking the steps to set up boundaries and giving myself the space to actually make decisions for myself, and I’m very surprised that this is not something that I’ve done for myself much sooner in life. I feel much lighter. And this first step has been tremendous for me and also for my husband, as we both still have pursuits in our individual lives that we really want to dedicate time to nourishing. We continue to be the support system that we both really need right now, and that in itself is so major. And what is also important, is that this is our decision. No one else’s.

In the midst of this shift, I have opened up multiple inner doors that I have very much brushed aside in the past or that always seemed to out of touch for fear of not pleasing others. And the shift isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a method of baby steps that one keeps working towards; one that is all about the process, rather than just the end goal. Because the end goal is the future, and one thing that is a given is that you don’t have that much control over the future of the world we are in. Things change. People change. The world is constantly changing and shape shifting and throwing us for loops. There are many times of the day that I am hit with this feeling of dread because of how out of control our environment really seems to be. But I’ve come to realize that we do actually have control with out how deal what is right in front of us. Because of the fact that the future is so unknown, it only makes me want to pursue the life I’ve always wanted for myself right here and right now even more. And it has taken a long time coming to realize that this mental shift was something that was very much needed for myself. And this shift involves making changes in my life, both big and small, to take control of important aspects of my life that I previously felt were already predetermined for me or chosen for me by others. This really has been the year for me to put my foot down and say, “This is what I want to do, and there is nothing you can do about it, and I’m still worth everything and even more.” I’m slowly taking the reins and there’s lots of exciting things to look forward to that start right now at this very moment.

I had these words sitting in my drafts all summer, and I just thought I’d give a little introspection into something very personal in case any of you can relate. What I find so comforting is the fact that we don’t need to feel alone during difficult times. There are so many ways to connect and that is very beautiful to me. Much love to you all :)